I hope you're all ready for some real nonsense. I assure you, there is nothing of any value here.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Did he just call me...

 A Mega-Nerd?

 Seriously? In the World of Warcraft community forums for Mists of Pandaria? Is a Mega-Nerd better or worse than a regular nerd, or geek, or pseudo-nerd?

 Wait... lets read this again... something something mega-nerds play Warcraft III something. Oh. Well I never had the good fortune to play Warcraft III, so I guess I am not a Mega-Nerd. I'm not sure whether I should be happy or sad about that.

 Whatever. I'm not too worried as this poster at one point misspelled Mega-Nerd. I apologize to you, Reader, for not posting a link or citation you might verify, but trust me you're not missing anything.

Not Pandas
 Besides the amusing Mega-Nerd comment, there was absolutely nothing worth reading in the thread. Nor was there much else to read in the entire MoP forum the Day Azeroth Stood Still, the day Blizzard released the first bits on the much anticipated next expansion, Mists of Pandaria(MoP).

 I'm talking about the MoP Forums, and you can find them here.

 As far as I can tell, these forums released at the opening or shortly after the opening ceremonies at Blizzcon. If you weren't at work (not working) and browsing the community site, it was at this point our brightest shining stars rocked the new forums with their most poignant interwebs opinions and game critiques.  In this explosion, the like of which will never be seen again, the spelling and grammar sent Learn to Spell back to the Dark Ages.

Destroyer of Worlds
 Pandas destroy everything from Commas to the Game, and if you believe these new Forums, they will destroy you too! Insert: But I for one, welcome our new Panda Overlords.

 I'm not here to give yet another speil on the Panda's or Pokewow or whatever. I have looked at all the features released so far, but not enough for me to head one way or the other. To be frank, if anyone can make Giant Humanoid Panda Badass, it's Blizzard. Much in the way of the humanoid Cows and the Space Goat.

You wanna know what I'm saying here? You. Guys. Are. Fucking. Nuts.

 Not the eight or nine people who actually read this blog. Seriously you all are teh awesome! I mean all the players getting bent out of shape over Pandas, Srs Bzns, and the Non-combat WoW Pets combat system . Honestly, we need to take a step back and remember what we're doing here, and I can tell you it's not ducking bullets and saving lives. We play games.

 I get passion. I get you and your involvement in the game world, Emo Pete, I really do. But can you tell me the societal and theological differences between walking, talking cows and walking, talking Pandas? Don't lie to me, I know you can't do it. You just need to be heard. And I get that too.

I mean, I write this blog, and it really hasn't 'said' anything at all yet, has it?

 Being a voice, however, doesn't grant you license make a mockery of common sense and good taste. "Mega-Nerds can haz their Pandas, I will go play SWTOR with the sweet Giant Talking Humanoid Squid" This is what you're telling people, in a public forum, for anyone to come along and read. Preserved for posterity like polished bronze feces. Good work, Hoss.

 It's a TRAP! This boggles the mind. How do you live with yourselves? How can you justify irrational squid on panda hate like this? It's bloody racism, that's what that is. High fantasy sci-fi racism at its best, may Tolkien have mercy on all your souls.

 It appears Pandas aren't serious enough to be played by mature adults. Insert: this Srs Bzns bit is my personal favourite, watch out! There is no way on this blue planet to describe how sad this statement makes me other then /wrists. Only a complete moron with nothing rooted in reality can say this with all sincerity.

 "I can't play Pandas cause it's kids stuff!"

 This Rhodes scholar later went on to complete a Heroic on his Tauren Hunter. You know who you are. What you don't know, because you have no friends to tell you, is you're a douche. And stoopid and cannot spell good.

 I really could go on forever. I appreciate a good head-to-desk post with all the delicious irony that urging others who may or may not read and write to be nice to each by calling them douchebags, but I get distracted really... wait? Wat?

 I also think at this point you might be thinking "LastXunn, why U so mad bro?" I'm not, but since your asking, my answer is a little angst mixed into this primordial ooze of sarcasm is justified in this instance. While we're about it, stop calling me a noob. I'm not new. You're a noob, so there!

Wait. Stop. Sorry. Insert: Keep it together, Xunn.

Let me drop some plates on you fine readers who've made it this far.

 First: Stay in school. Truth. I predict, conservatively, 40% of WoW players are English speaking players. From those numbers we can estimate approximately 1% can actually reed and rite englesh. Seriously, the forums are atrocious. Although I made all this up,you should still be ashamed, what ever your age or background. Insert: Grammar and Spelling are Srs Bzns! 

ummm... the heck? I said no drugs!
 Second: Stop taking Drugs before posting. Even if it 'helps' your grammar and spelling, inebriated posting is not cool. No where in the Code of Conduct does it strictly state not to use illicit narcotics, but lets use our heads here. Make a point we all can understand without Crystal Meth. Keep it relevant and on topic.

 Thirdsies: Do I, or do I not, want to be a Mega-Nerd and how do I go about obtaining or shedding this cloak of awesomesauce or shroud of bronzestreaks?

 Lastly: For the love of the Light, relax. If WoW is your life, and Pandas are descending to destroy said life, read a book. Or go for a walk, off a pier. Or whatever it takes to remove yourself from this prison you're in. It is not healthy. It says right on the load screen to take everything in moderation, and this includes World of Warcraft and Cheetos. Nothing about WoW should have rational players running to the forums to scream at other players.

Chill out, brah. Umad.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Requiem for a Gnarly Dream.

I had the craziest dream the other night. It was something else. Messed. Up.

Let me tell you how this relates to World of Warcraft, and you might learn a little about me in the telling. Before we get into the dream itself, you know about something else that's happening in my life right now.

I'm quitting smoking.

Inorite? I'm using the Patch for this, and "Vivid Dreams" was listed as one of the many possible side effects. They mentioned nothing of the super-surreal-acid-in-the-mushroom-coke-brownie manga dreams I had just the other night.
This is a close as I can make myself
post a Human on my Blog.

The Dream

So here I am. I am a Paladin.

Clearly it was a dream, because I was Human. Weird, right? Human... sorry I digress.

So I'm a Paladin, and along with many other Paladins, (whom looked very much like an assortment of co-workers and friends of mine) I'm fighting the 'Shadow'. Spooky stuff, I guess. Words cannot describe our determination and commitment to overcome the awe and dread brought on by the 'Shadow', whatever the 'Shadow' might be.

Besides, well.. those words. And stuff. Again I digress.

So here I am, a Paladin, with many other Paladins, and we're fighting the 'Shadow'. We all have the sickest looking black platemail armour. With the spikes and the shiny and the spikes and the awesome. And we have weapons, mine being this giant bastard sword with runes that Smites like Mjolnir and Shines like Justice. Or a lightsaber. And we have horses. Totally badass black war stallions of death, with the glowing red eyes and the nostrils with the steam and the spikes. That is to say, everyone has these horses but one poor, wretched soul.


omfg I can't ride this thing.
I have a pony. She is brown and disappointing.


So I'm a Paladin, a Warcraft Paladin, warrior of the Light with all the super skills of buttkickery needed to tackle the 'Shadow', of which I think is nearby, and requires an examination by Doctor Light-Brings-the-Pain-Points! (pssst... that's me) Basically I have no idea what this 'Shadow' is up to or where I can reach them to deliver the Light or whatever. It's like most dreams, in that they feel no desire to explain themselves to little ol' me.

If there is a narrator of my dreams, he is disgustingly lazy, like this pony. Digress.exe

So as a Paladin I do know that it is imperative that I impart onto the 'Shadow' some justice and fare-thee-well-thanks-for-the-wonderful-evening-thunderclap-to-the-face back kicks. But I cannot do this from the saddle of my faithful unsatisfactory steed, Mr. Crappony. I need to find a new mount before I can go off into battle, for victory and sweet phat lootz. Drops like the World has never seen before, and battles like the world has seen lots of times in films such as Lord of the Rings and Star Wars and Saving Private Ryan. Sweet.

That last one, the part where the Sarge gets a bullet right in the buttocks and dies and stuff is really sad. Very much like my depressing pony. Digression.org

Fun Fact: Phat is spelled correctly, Lootz is not. Go-go wavy red line.

So I'm this Paladin, in a dream I had just the other night. I have the sorriest excuse for a pony, ever, and I'm more than certain at this point (in the dream) there is a ribbon tied in a bow, of the saddest red hue. On the pony. The bow looks dyed from the tears of the glowing red eyes of the uber leet warhorses my now long gone companions are riding. Without me. Into battle against the 'Shadow'.

I am Paladin. Lonely and riding a dumb little pony. To add salt to the wound, I also am certain that I will not be getting another mount. I think that I might have wondered upon something really cool to ride, like a Dragon or a Zombie-Giraffe, only to have lost it. I don't know. It seems to me that sometimes dreams skip ahead a few episodes within the same dream sequence and you, as the dreamer, are supposed to just 'keep up'. I feel a sense of loss and deep regret. I look at the pony with a mix of pity and scorn.

It's at these times I think the narrator has quit, or is taking a goddam nap. Or smoking brownies. What. Ev's. I think I might thoroughly dislike this pony. Nope, wait, I'm pretty sure. Diggity-di-gr-gr-gr-gression baby.

Hello? Pony, are you there?
So I'm this pathetic pony riding human Paladin of Pain Points and hopelessness. Screw the 'Shadow', I don't care. They can do whatever they want. Let Luke fracking Skywalker deal with them. He has an R2 unit and an X-wing Starfighter. All I got is this mule. LOOK AT HIM! No, the donkey. Seriously look. AMFG he makes me puke in my mouth a little bit. I think I will strangle him with that fracking rose hued ribbon. I bet that thing can't protect him from my de-buffs. Douchebags. To hell with this, I'm outta here.

Stupid camel-pony. Stoopid narrator.

I hate him.

The Moral

Don't rage on bad loot rolls.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Confessions of an Altoholic

"OMFG, what am I going to play tonight?!"

Choosing is SrsBzns!
 Is this you? It's me. So very much me. I could tell you how many characters I play, but looking them up in order to remind myself will more than likely lead to yet another. At the time of this post I don't have many of them listed on the 'My Characters' section of the page.

Not even close to all of them.

 In fact, in order to keep the number self-respectfully low, I don't consider a re-roll an 'alt' until the ripe level of 40. Even with this limitation, I would be able to wipe my own five-mans. In multiple dungeons simultaneously, if you're not choosy about rested XP bonuses or minor balance issues. I can wipe them all.

 I'm not very good, you see. I cannot Tank my way through toilet paper dolls and wet origami. A story for another post, this, but don't hold your breath. I just rolled two more.

 I have 85's, three to be exact. I have spent very little time on each of them since reaching the level cap, choosing instead to roll more. And more. I thoroughly enjoy the act of creating a character. I have a number of stimuli that spur the creation process, like talking about a Battle Ground over lunch with a good buddy of mine, or watching a Warlock walk by me in Silvermoon.

I will not re-roll anything to do about Justin Beiber. Sorry America, we had to send him somewhere.

 I will roll a new alt based on an idea that comes to me while watching my little Dachshund bringing forth his instinctive inner beast rolling around on top of his doggie food. I will roll up a new alt after dripping icecream sluppie (a Screamer, if you will) down the front of my 'Tea Bag' T-shirt form Pure Pwnage.com. It really doesn't take much.

A short side note here: both of the aforementioned actions happened during the re-roll of this post.

 Make no mistake, I do enjoy the Triple Threat at the top of the level ladder. They are, after all, characters I have rolled, which makes them the Joy Formidable as far as I'm concerned. I do spend quite a bit of time with each character in their chosen role. One is PvP (a Hunter), and the other two are Healers (Druid and Priest).

The Chosen One
 Maybe its the Chosen Role that lead me down this road of Forever More, quoth the Raven. I always picture what the character is going to be doing, his career, much before the appearance is applied. I have alts specifically for Healing, for PvP, for Questing, and for Farming.

At this point in my moment of clarity I will look across the room and pray it is not empty.

 I think the term 'Altoholic' is too vague, personally. I use it for now, as it is generally accepted and understood by the masses (read: General Forums, that land where good threads go to die). To me however, it implies that one has a problem or addiction. It implies negativity. As I don't believe this is the case, be it denial or no, I would like to introduce a new term:

Character Creation Operational Specialist. Epic.
I do own one.
"Oh hey, nice ! hat. Do you play WoW?"

"Why yes I do."

"Sweet, me too. Listen, what do you play? Me and my buddy have this guild and we were wondering..."

"Hold up, noobaphone. I'm a CCOS. I play many characters, not one."

"Ok. Great. Well, ahh, it looks like I have to go punch puppies, you take care now."

"Farewell, young mononoob. Have fun referring to yourself in the singular."

 There are some drawbacks to being an Alto... (ahem) CCOS. As you may well imagine, it can take some considerable time to level Brittany Spears' Entourage in toons. The same can be said about managing multiple alts and remembering all the well laid out plans for said alts (read: mass confusion and hysteria, very like Ms. Spears herself).

 Though admittedly there have been times when I questioned myself on past decisions made in character development, now I handle all things CCOS like a pro. I have learned a ton about managing my alts, and gathered vast experience about the practise and handling of multiple fledgling characters.

Mr. Pink. Pro.
Add-on: Altoholic. Like a Boss.

 Without it I would be completely lost. Even though I can barely make the add-on function, it is the most useful instrument of its type. Ever. May the light of Elune shine down on its programmers forever. Like. A. Boss. This lovely e-machine just reminded me that Northrend Inscription Research will be ready in 15 minutes (Nirnroots on Blanazzar). How cool is that? Cool enough to be pro and wrap this up, says I.

What does one do with all these characters? We love them.

 Many others of the CCOS will agree that what makes a character special is not the purps for derps, its not the uber high numbers on World of Epeens, nor is it the total DB's in BG's. Its the characters themselves, in Greys, Whites and Greens. Its the unmistakable epicness in personality that makes that character you. It's what you take out in memories in return for your labor of love deposits from the National Bank Alts of Azeroth.

Stay classy Altoholics. Er. CCOS. Whatever.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

New Player Forums, the Regulars, and you. Yes you, Nooblette.

Blue Foot Booby - Its Close
First off, I'm gonna throw out this little factoid about myself.

 I am a New Player Help and Guides Forums Poster Noobie.

You can find me on the World of Warcraft Community site posting in the aforementioned Forums. There I respectfully defer to the posters that have been posting helpful tricks and tips for a long, long time.

Do you know how I know they've been there for a while? I read them.

I read the Forums quite often, and I have read them for quite some time. I tragically started to post in General as soon as the new Cataclysm Site was up. All the while I read the New Player forums trying to get a feel for whom posted within, and how they did it.

I got to know the Regulars there, and though they had yet to meet me, I felt as if I knew how they viewed the world. Of Warcraft. Specifically how these walking bastions of patience, knowledge and wit went about helping their newer peers begin their own journeys in Azeroth.

I learned that Forum regulars do not, in fact, hatch from eggs. This is very important, take notes.

The present finds me posting quite regularly in New Player, and I feel that I might be accepted by this group of people that spends a good portion of their day volunteering their time and experience to others. Though I have what I think is good standing with them, I still don't post nearly as often as they do, I only do so when I know for certain what I have to offer is concise, and I take constructive criticism from this select few when offered.

I have never started some sort of New Player e-catfight with any of them. I don't plan on it either. No, seriously, I mean it.

But alas, some do not feel as I do.

I have noticed a disturbing trend as late. Perhaps it is just me but it seems some posters have been hopping into New Player and nit-picking with many of the regulars and their posts. What the intent to this is not clear to me. I, err, am not, ummmmm, Columbo. I don't have within me the instinct to ridicule others solely to see text on teh interwebs
with my signature attached to it.

What the #%&@ is this?

I am very well aware of the cynical view on the internets current anonymus void personality trends. I get 4-chan, in fact I find some of that rubbish amusing. But if you would like to start some #$&@(and just because you read comic books doesn't mean you can't, very true), try General. Posters there are itching for nonsense of all flavours, like crack-heads at a Ben & Jerry's Meth Shop.

I would never say that anyone has to like everyone they meet (or read, for that matter). I would seldom say anyone has to be nice to everyone they meet (again with the reading), though they should try. I do say to anyone this:

 Try to exercise some perspective, Angst Pilot.

Try to nice with the words already.
I mean come on. I sympathize that Kurt Cobain is dead and they keep releasing his long forgotten music in an attempt to turn a nickel and you got all his original stuff, and it's so deep, and what they're doing is so so tragic, Curt would be rolling in his grave, or whatever. But that isn't at the fault of New Player regulars.

Side Note: For the record I like Nervana. don't hate.

Your deal, it needs getting over with. Nothing helps a newer player more than a regular and some Unenchanted cross speccing Deeps Clown coming to a head to head showdown right in the middle of a brand new experience.

If players are volunteering themselves to others solely to help, let them do their thing.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Who's that Girl?

Chances are really good it's me. I'm a dude.

Nirnroots - 85 Disc Priest on Balnazzar
A great many characters I roll are female, for varying reasons. Stupid reasons to be sure, but they help me sleep at night. Examples might be Priests are Healers, and Healers are Rosa, from FFIV.  Along the same lines, Warlocks are Summoners, and Summoners are Rydia, from the same title in the FF series.

Thats pretty much it, besides one last, very important reason.

It's not so personal. It's shared by other players (read: millions). I know this 'cause I asked my buddy, and he said 'Hellz Yeah', and if two dorks agree, it must be true. So I will post it on teh interwebs: Draenei Males are Total Douches.

Lets throw Human Males in there too. And Kaldorei. And Sin'dorei.  Let me be perfectly clear:

The above Male Races = Douche. Bags. The Core Four. Mannus Mochilas Douchus.

I am not one to subscribe to douchebaggery. I am well aware that the Blog title makes me a liar. I am also fully aware of judging a book by its glass stones, or whatever. It makes little difference to me, I cannot roll me up a Male Douche and begin my adventures. 

Male Dwarf Hamster - Cool

Dwarves are cool, Gnomes are OK (I guess), and Worgen are cool. Undead are cool, Trolls are cool (and there's nothing you can do about it), and Tauren are very cool. Of these races, I have many Male Characters, and will most likely make many more.

But 24 slot Bags of Infinite Douche? Nope.

When the next time comes, and some General Genius decides its time to start up this topic again, you be sure to point him (or her, or him as her) right here. 

Should I sign this thing?