Saturday, October 29, 2011

Did he just call me...

 A Mega-Nerd?

 Seriously? In the World of Warcraft community forums for Mists of Pandaria? Is a Mega-Nerd better or worse than a regular nerd, or geek, or pseudo-nerd?

 Wait... lets read this again... something something mega-nerds play Warcraft III something. Oh. Well I never had the good fortune to play Warcraft III, so I guess I am not a Mega-Nerd. I'm not sure whether I should be happy or sad about that.

 Whatever. I'm not too worried as this poster at one point misspelled Mega-Nerd. I apologize to you, Reader, for not posting a link or citation you might verify, but trust me you're not missing anything.

Not Pandas
 Besides the amusing Mega-Nerd comment, there was absolutely nothing worth reading in the thread. Nor was there much else to read in the entire MoP forum the Day Azeroth Stood Still, the day Blizzard released the first bits on the much anticipated next expansion, Mists of Pandaria(MoP).

 I'm talking about the MoP Forums, and you can find them here.

 As far as I can tell, these forums released at the opening or shortly after the opening ceremonies at Blizzcon. If you weren't at work (not working) and browsing the community site, it was at this point our brightest shining stars rocked the new forums with their most poignant interwebs opinions and game critiques.  In this explosion, the like of which will never be seen again, the spelling and grammar sent Learn to Spell back to the Dark Ages.

Destroyer of Worlds
 Pandas destroy everything from Commas to the Game, and if you believe these new Forums, they will destroy you too! Insert: But I for one, welcome our new Panda Overlords.

 I'm not here to give yet another speil on the Panda's or Pokewow or whatever. I have looked at all the features released so far, but not enough for me to head one way or the other. To be frank, if anyone can make Giant Humanoid Panda Badass, it's Blizzard. Much in the way of the humanoid Cows and the Space Goat.

You wanna know what I'm saying here? You. Guys. Are. Fucking. Nuts.

 Not the eight or nine people who actually read this blog. Seriously you all are teh awesome! I mean all the players getting bent out of shape over Pandas, Srs Bzns, and the Non-combat WoW Pets combat system . Honestly, we need to take a step back and remember what we're doing here, and I can tell you it's not ducking bullets and saving lives. We play games.

 I get passion. I get you and your involvement in the game world, Emo Pete, I really do. But can you tell me the societal and theological differences between walking, talking cows and walking, talking Pandas? Don't lie to me, I know you can't do it. You just need to be heard. And I get that too.

I mean, I write this blog, and it really hasn't 'said' anything at all yet, has it?

 Being a voice, however, doesn't grant you license make a mockery of common sense and good taste. "Mega-Nerds can haz their Pandas, I will go play SWTOR with the sweet Giant Talking Humanoid Squid" This is what you're telling people, in a public forum, for anyone to come along and read. Preserved for posterity like polished bronze feces. Good work, Hoss.

 It's a TRAP! This boggles the mind. How do you live with yourselves? How can you justify irrational squid on panda hate like this? It's bloody racism, that's what that is. High fantasy sci-fi racism at its best, may Tolkien have mercy on all your souls.

 It appears Pandas aren't serious enough to be played by mature adults. Insert: this Srs Bzns bit is my personal favourite, watch out! There is no way on this blue planet to describe how sad this statement makes me other then /wrists. Only a complete moron with nothing rooted in reality can say this with all sincerity.

 "I can't play Pandas cause it's kids stuff!"

 This Rhodes scholar later went on to complete a Heroic on his Tauren Hunter. You know who you are. What you don't know, because you have no friends to tell you, is you're a douche. And stoopid and cannot spell good.

 I really could go on forever. I appreciate a good head-to-desk post with all the delicious irony that urging others who may or may not read and write to be nice to each by calling them douchebags, but I get distracted really... wait? Wat?

 I also think at this point you might be thinking "LastXunn, why U so mad bro?" I'm not, but since your asking, my answer is a little angst mixed into this primordial ooze of sarcasm is justified in this instance. While we're about it, stop calling me a noob. I'm not new. You're a noob, so there!

Wait. Stop. Sorry. Insert: Keep it together, Xunn.

Let me drop some plates on you fine readers who've made it this far.

 First: Stay in school. Truth. I predict, conservatively, 40% of WoW players are English speaking players. From those numbers we can estimate approximately 1% can actually reed and rite englesh. Seriously, the forums are atrocious. Although I made all this up,you should still be ashamed, what ever your age or background. Insert: Grammar and Spelling are Srs Bzns! 

ummm... the heck? I said no drugs!
 Second: Stop taking Drugs before posting. Even if it 'helps' your grammar and spelling, inebriated posting is not cool. No where in the Code of Conduct does it strictly state not to use illicit narcotics, but lets use our heads here. Make a point we all can understand without Crystal Meth. Keep it relevant and on topic.

 Thirdsies: Do I, or do I not, want to be a Mega-Nerd and how do I go about obtaining or shedding this cloak of awesomesauce or shroud of bronzestreaks?

 Lastly: For the love of the Light, relax. If WoW is your life, and Pandas are descending to destroy said life, read a book. Or go for a walk, off a pier. Or whatever it takes to remove yourself from this prison you're in. It is not healthy. It says right on the load screen to take everything in moderation, and this includes World of Warcraft and Cheetos. Nothing about WoW should have rational players running to the forums to scream at other players.

Chill out, brah. Umad.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Requiem for a Gnarly Dream.

I had the craziest dream the other night. It was something else. Messed. Up.

Let me tell you how this relates to World of Warcraft, and you might learn a little about me in the telling. Before we get into the dream itself, you know about something else that's happening in my life right now.

I'm quitting smoking.

Inorite? I'm using the Patch for this, and "Vivid Dreams" was listed as one of the many possible side effects. They mentioned nothing of the super-surreal-acid-in-the-mushroom-coke-brownie manga dreams I had just the other night.
This is a close as I can make myself
post a Human on my Blog.

The Dream

So here I am. I am a Paladin.

Clearly it was a dream, because I was Human. Weird, right? Human... sorry I digress.

So I'm a Paladin, and along with many other Paladins, (whom looked very much like an assortment of co-workers and friends of mine) I'm fighting the 'Shadow'. Spooky stuff, I guess. Words cannot describe our determination and commitment to overcome the awe and dread brought on by the 'Shadow', whatever the 'Shadow' might be.

Besides, well.. those words. And stuff. Again I digress.

So here I am, a Paladin, with many other Paladins, and we're fighting the 'Shadow'. We all have the sickest looking black platemail armour. With the spikes and the shiny and the spikes and the awesome. And we have weapons, mine being this giant bastard sword with runes that Smites like Mjolnir and Shines like Justice. Or a lightsaber. And we have horses. Totally badass black war stallions of death, with the glowing red eyes and the nostrils with the steam and the spikes. That is to say, everyone has these horses but one poor, wretched soul.


omfg I can't ride this thing.
I have a pony. She is brown and disappointing.


So I'm a Paladin, a Warcraft Paladin, warrior of the Light with all the super skills of buttkickery needed to tackle the 'Shadow', of which I think is nearby, and requires an examination by Doctor Light-Brings-the-Pain-Points! (pssst... that's me) Basically I have no idea what this 'Shadow' is up to or where I can reach them to deliver the Light or whatever. It's like most dreams, in that they feel no desire to explain themselves to little ol' me.

If there is a narrator of my dreams, he is disgustingly lazy, like this pony. Digress.exe

So as a Paladin I do know that it is imperative that I impart onto the 'Shadow' some justice and fare-thee-well-thanks-for-the-wonderful-evening-thunderclap-to-the-face back kicks. But I cannot do this from the saddle of my faithful unsatisfactory steed, Mr. Crappony. I need to find a new mount before I can go off into battle, for victory and sweet phat lootz. Drops like the World has never seen before, and battles like the world has seen lots of times in films such as Lord of the Rings and Star Wars and Saving Private Ryan. Sweet.

That last one, the part where the Sarge gets a bullet right in the buttocks and dies and stuff is really sad. Very much like my depressing pony.

Fun Fact: Phat is spelled correctly, Lootz is not. Go-go wavy red line.

So I'm this Paladin, in a dream I had just the other night. I have the sorriest excuse for a pony, ever, and I'm more than certain at this point (in the dream) there is a ribbon tied in a bow, of the saddest red hue. On the pony. The bow looks dyed from the tears of the glowing red eyes of the uber leet warhorses my now long gone companions are riding. Without me. Into battle against the 'Shadow'.

I am Paladin. Lonely and riding a dumb little pony. To add salt to the wound, I also am certain that I will not be getting another mount. I think that I might have wondered upon something really cool to ride, like a Dragon or a Zombie-Giraffe, only to have lost it. I don't know. It seems to me that sometimes dreams skip ahead a few episodes within the same dream sequence and you, as the dreamer, are supposed to just 'keep up'. I feel a sense of loss and deep regret. I look at the pony with a mix of pity and scorn.

It's at these times I think the narrator has quit, or is taking a goddam nap. Or smoking brownies. What. Ev's. I think I might thoroughly dislike this pony. Nope, wait, I'm pretty sure. Diggity-di-gr-gr-gr-gression baby.

Hello? Pony, are you there?
So I'm this pathetic pony riding human Paladin of Pain Points and hopelessness. Screw the 'Shadow', I don't care. They can do whatever they want. Let Luke fracking Skywalker deal with them. He has an R2 unit and an X-wing Starfighter. All I got is this mule. LOOK AT HIM! No, the donkey. Seriously look. AMFG he makes me puke in my mouth a little bit. I think I will strangle him with that fracking rose hued ribbon. I bet that thing can't protect him from my de-buffs. Douchebags. To hell with this, I'm outta here.

Stupid camel-pony. Stoopid narrator.

I hate him.

The Moral

Don't rage on bad loot rolls.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

A Long Time Ago.....

So my guess is you've heard the good news. December. Twentieth. Sweet.

And may the Force be with you.

So far there is really not much we know about the game, as far as logistics go. I want to share with as many players I know what I do know, with the hope that maybe we can all have a place to play together when TOR hits shelves.

Here it is.

Many of the players I have communicated with are very interested in the Sith Empire. One player has created a guild already. named Affliction.

There are a few Republic Alliance players within this network, and so not as to discredit my Altoholic cred, I also will be rolling one.

When we have more information from Bioware, I will be posting all relevant news here, so stayed tuned.

Steven Reid: Server Realms Plox :P